Why do we feel stress?
Why does it sometimes feel minor and other times earth shattering?
Why does it feel like personal attacks?
Stress happens when your heart or your brain say, "No" but your mouth says ,"Yes."
Think about that. If your heart or your brain agreed with whatever situation, then it would feel easy, maybe even fun.
Now think about the last time you felt stress. Maybe you agreed to do something that you reeeeeeally didn't want to do. Most likely, it went against one of your core values.
Core Values are traits that you live by. Rules for yourself as a person, created only by you. When did you create them? You created them as a kid/teen without even knowing that you were doing it. Typically we never even think to identify our Core Values.
Here's a worksheet that will help you identify your Core Values. There are two ways to do that worksheet. You can follow the instructions that are on there OR pick your top 10. Once you've narrowed it down to 10, then narrow it further to 5. Those 5 are your Core Values. If you are following the instructions on the paper itself, when you group them together, narrow it down to 5 main groups and the rest of the terms are just descriptors/how you define each Core Value.
Most (if not all) stress or anger/dislike/(insert negative emotion here) is caused by an event or person that goes against one of your Core Values. Here's an example:
Core Values being Adventure/Family/Love/Integrity
You feel stressed because your bedroom life is boring. You feel love through physical touch. When physical touch isn't happening, you feel unloved or just plain empty inside. You might feel like your partner lied to you because in the beginning, there was nothing but physical touch. You guys couldn't stop touching each other. Then it all came to a screeching halt. You dedicated yourself to your partner. You allowed them to become your immediate family. Family shouldn't make you feel empty inside.
See how simple everyday feelings can come from Core Values?
So back to this whole heart/brain no mouth yes thing. You are just so overwhelmed at work. Your boss keeps piling on project after project. Here's the thing, did you ever say, "No?" Maybe a Core Value of yours is Freedom. Your heart wants to be free of work, or your brain wants to be free to do the work that you love doing. However, your mouth keeps saying, "yes" to things that aren't allowing you that workplace freedom.
So how can we make this all better?
First, knowing what your Core Values are will help you identify what your triggers are. Once you can identify your triggers, you can work on standing up for yourself/speaking up when those triggers are about to be pulled.
Second, reframe the situation. Most likely, your boss isn't trying to overload you maliciously. Your partner isn't trying to hurt you on purpose. How can you make this so-called 'negative' into a positive? Overworked? Just more chances to prove how amazing you are. Feeling a lack of love lately? This is a chance to work on self love and loving others. Maybe your partner is super stressed as well and once you offer a little something, you'll get everything in return.
Thirdly, get some help. If the first two aren't working for you or you just don't quite understand how to do it, reach out for help. It can be friends, family, coaches, or therapists. There are people out there who want you to be the best you ever. We can't do everything by ourselves. Reach out, I bet someone is there just waiting to help in any way that they can.
In the meantime, come on over to my FB Group. It's a free to join safe space to share stories and ask for advice from other ladies. Share what your Core Values are and what they mean to you. Can't wait to see you there!!