Being in a relationship takes work. A handful of people believe that these things should just come naturally. Those who are in successful relationships will tell you, it's not 100% natural and smooth sailing. We need to learn how to argue effectively. We need to learn how to communicate effectively. We need to learn to be less selfish or, in some cases, more selfish. We need to learn how to balance life and love.
Here are 3 Ways that we Block OURSELVES from Love and Sex:
1: Constant Criticisms
This sounds like one of those things that we would know if we did it. We would know if we were tearing down our partner verbally. Here's the thing... we DON'T know. We don't know 100% of every little word that leaves our mouth. There are plenty of times when our brain-mouth filter just doesn't work or we forgot to even turn it on. There are plenty of times when we might say something under our breath thinking that no one can hear us (but they do). There are plenty of times when we gossip, complain, whine, bitch, and moan behind our partner's back. Relax for a second... EVERYONE does it.
Here's what it sounds like:
"ugh... why can't he ever put dishes back where he FINDS them?"
"When I get home, I just want to relax, not immediately tasked to do things."
"All men ever want is sex. Why can't they just love me for me?"
"All women do is talk talk talk... just get to the point!"
"Hon, do you really need that extra serving?"
"Well so-and-so's husband is constantly working out. Maybe you should join him?"
"Every time I try to help, you either 'fix it' afterward or complain that I'm not doing it right."
"She can NEVER pick a restaurant."
These statements feel little in the moment. However, long-term exposure to this can be harmful. The old saying "sticks and stones may hurt my bones but words can never hurt me" doesn't really come into play here. These words coming from someone you love and hold dear can feel like a knife to the heart or back, maybe even a punch to the gut.Your brain starts to think, "Is this all he/she thinks of me? Am I really that awful?"
Who would want to cuddle and have sex with someone who is just going to criticize everything you do anyway? 'Gee hon, you just can't do anything right but let have sex anyway.' Can you just hear the sarcasm there?
If you're wondering why your sex life has been put on pause, take a glance back at the things you've said. Are the things you've said positive or negative about your partner? Do they build them up or cut them down?
The one criticizing: you've built up this negative image of your partner, either in your mind or in theirs. You possibly don't feel like being near your partner because they can't do anything right. When you feel like making a comment, ask yourself if it's just because it's different from how YOU would do things. Just because it's not our way of doing things doesn't make it wrong overall. If the end-state is the same, then the path to get there shouldn't matter.
The one criticized: tend to back off. They will put their walls up. They no longer feel safe. They will feel like they are walking on eggshells. If they don't feel safe, why would they enter into the most vulnerable act ever of having sex? If you are the one who is criticized, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF! Of course, don't start a full on verbal war but speak up. It's totally possible that your partner doesn't realize how harsh their words are or don't realize the shear amount of harsh words that are being said.
2: Constant Excuses
Do any of these sound familiar?
"I feel fat/bloated... not tonight."
"I have a headache."
"I just have too much on my mind."
"What if (insert generic thing here)?"
Yes... we all understand that life can get in the way. It does... royally suck sometimes. But that shouldn't be the an excuse to never ever have sex again! It could very well be that your interpretation of the situation is what's holding you back. The one that used to get me was 'I feel/look fat.' I totally thought that of myself (and still do at times). Here's what you need to think of instead, HE/SHE STILL WANTS YOU. Whatever negative feeling that you are feeling about yourself at that moment, and your partner still initiates because WANT YOU AT THAT MOMENT. They aren't thinking what you're thinking. They are thinking of the positives; thinking of how amazing you are at that moment.
Life will always get in the way. What you need to do is be creative. If you are offering a rain check, then follow through with the rain check. Find those spare moments for a quickie. Get creative with the act itself so it's less cumbersome. If you feel an excuse coming on, try anyway. It's completely possible that once you start with some foreplay that you will be totally be into it and the excuse that you once had just melts way.
3: Lack of Honesty
Here, I'm not talking about outright lying to your partner (although that doesn't help either). I'm talking about being honest with your true self. This is where you need to take a look at what you want out of love and sex and actually speak up about it. No shame, no judgement: just speak up about it. Living with the shame and judgements will leave you living a life of regrets and disappointment. If your partner doesn't agree or at the very least respect your needs/wants, then that person wasn't right for you.
You need to look within yourself and ask how do you want to be loved. How do you want to be intimate? Intimacy and sex are different things. How do you define them for yourself and your future potential relationship? Then maybe do some research on sex and kinks (here's a link to my post on Limits) and figure out what you do/don't link and what you might be interested in. Once you find a partner you can truly trust, share these things with them. Speak up for yourself.
Which one of these did you relate to the most? Let us know in my FB Group. It's a safe place where we can vent about the hardships of our journey to sexual freedom. We can all learn and support each other.