This is a transcript from a Live Video I did on Facebook.
Good Afternoon/Morning… wherever you are. Welcome back. Today, I want to talk about how great sex or better sex is just a byproduct. So when people start looking at their romantic lives or their intimate lives or whatever, they think it’s all about technique. “If I learn how to do this, the right way, then everything is going to be magically fixed. “ That’s part of it but not necessarily the case.
I broke it down, through all of the books and podcasts and everything that I listen to, I broke it down into four major groups. In order to have better sex, these are the things that need to be addressed.
Self-Compassion which is huge especially around females. Yes it’s a bit of a stereotype but especially among females, we need to have self compassion.
Body Awareness, again another huge thing among females.
Education, this is where your technique comes in
So with self compassion, this is where you really focus on yourself and what you need to be YOU. This is where your “me time” comes in, where self care comes in. You give yourself permission to be selfish sometimes. This is where you really need to take care of yourself. A lot of us are people pleasers, we want to please the husband/partner/boyfriend/kids/everyone else and put ourselves last. This is where you really need to give yourself permission to be selfish because you can’t take care of anyone else if you yourself aren’t taken care of.
You also have to check what you’re telling yourself. If you really think about it for a second, think about all of the things that you tell yourself. I’m lazy, I’m hideous, i’m not good enough… whatever it is. All of those things that you say to yourself, I bet you would never in your life dare to say it to somebody else. So why do you say it to yourself? You are your own harshest critic. You nee to change that. Stop judging yourself. When you’re judging yourself, all you’re doing is putting yourself down. Who wants to be put down like that.
Love the body that you have. This is where judging comes in. The body that you have is fantastic, it is wonderful. It is keeping you alive. Now you may want to improve it, which is fantastic, which is fine. You can definitely improve your body, but don’t do it out of hatred. Don’t do it out of “omg I hate this muffin top. ugh I hate this… ugh I hate seeing my ribs, ugh I hate the rolls and fat.” That’s starting your transformation process with a very negative light. And most likely if you start off that way, you’re not going to finish the task that you set out to complete. So if you do it with compassion. Improve yourself because you want to get healthy, because you want something else that is wonderful. Start with love and you’ll be able to accomplish damn near everything.
Now we get to number two on our list: Body Awareness. This is where we talk about the physical body. Can you recognize when your body actually needs rest? During the day, when you’re going about your business, do you recognize when you’re tired and give yourself that 5, 10min rest or do you just keep pushing through until you break or snap. Or keep pushing to the weekend when you can knock out 18hrs of sleep, God help everyone else… you’re out of the game.
Do you know what your physical body needs for your self care or after care? For self care, do you know what your body needs to feel like itself, to feel like the best you. Besides the obvious, I need more sleep or more water… what else do you need? Do you need lazy couch time to recharge (I know I do)? When I say aftercare… after you’ve had a rough session with your spouse/partner, you can’t just say “that was great thanks” and then walk off to the other room. You’ll leave your partner in longing, wanting, this weird headspace. After that happens, what do you need? Do you need cuddles? Do you need a blanket, food? You need to learn what you need and what works best for you.
We are talking about sex, so… what are you erogenous zones? What turns you on? What physical touches turn you on? What body parts do you like touched? What do you not like touched? How so? Right side, left side? All of those little minute details come in to play, and if you don’t know them yourself, how can you expect your partner to know them? They won’t. This all comes down to communication which we’ll get to at the end. But you at least need to know these things for yourself.
Number 3 on our list, we are at Education. So this is where technique comes in to play. Not all of us are born naturally talented. We all have to started from zero somewhere. Sex ed in school was crap. Even now-a-days, in our puritan-like society, it’s still very taboo to talk about this stuff and be educated on this stuff. Which is ridiculous because this stuff is fun. There are plenty of books out there that you can get.
You really need to know anatomy, basic anatomy. For female parts, male parts… example: something that a lot of women don’t know and more men don’t know is how big the clitoris actually it. People think that it’s just this little button pushing out of a hood, when it’s not. It’s a decent sized organ deep into the skin.
What about the male parts? Of course this isn’t all about knowing yourself but also knowing and pleasing your man. Do you know where he likes to be touched? Do you know all of the parts and pieces? You don’t have to know all of the technical names, I’m not going to quiz you. Just some basic knowledge like which part has the most nerve endings? That is definitely something beneficial for you to know.
Next for education, learn about different kinks. What do you like to do, what do you not like to do? What are your safety precautions when it comes to these kinks. I know I talk a lot about smacking and being tied up but there is the whole safety part when it comes to those things. Being tied up for example, you need to know about nerve endings, and nerve damage. You need to know about when to stop. As soon as you feel any tingling, you gotta stop and readjust so you have proper blood flow. When it comes to smacking, it’s not just smack hard then whatever. No… there’s a building up process so your body can produce hormones. Safety always comes first!
You also need to learn about your specific disabilities, disorders, and mental disorders. Learn which you have and which your partner has and learn everything you can about them. However you can adjust to that persons needs or to your own needs, the better off you guys are going to be ad the more sparks are going to fly. It can be fantastic.
Last with education and it also goes with body awareness and self compassion, exercise and nutrition. If you want to improve yourself and get healthy, great. It’s not just eat less and move more. It’s very basic… you need to learn what works best for you. What diet or food lifestyle works for you. What types of exercise work best for you, your body, your joints, etc? So education really comes into play.
Lastly… COMMUNICATION! Communication. Communication. Communication. I cannot stress communication enough. It is the hardest one to do because it leaves us the most vulnerable. And it sucks… it can… You need to be able to communicate to your partner all of these things: how you like to be touched, what you like to do, what your kinks are, etc. You need to communicate “hey this is the crap that I’m already telling myself in my head, so you need to not say things that help reinforce those bad/negative comments.” Stuff like that.
Last video I did, I spoke about GAILs. I talked about interpretations, assumptions, limiting beliefs, and gremlins. If you can communicate to each other, it’s going to be even better. Where are you guys falling short? Which roadblocks are coming up for you? Why are they coming up? How can you guys work around them to break through some of these things? It is huge. You can even help yourselves. You can use sex as your treat or reward for doing all of these great things.
You need to talk about your likes and dislikes (going back to education). What do you like to do? What are the different kinks out there? And discuss them. You talk about your limits. When I say limits, there are hard and soft limits. So what for you is a strict NO-GO, absolutely no way in hell is this going to happen… that’s a hard limits. Or maybe it’s only when I’m comfortable enough with you or only when I trust you enough or only under these certain circumstances (soft limit). You need to figure those out.
When you are talking to you partner, leave out any accusations. Less arguments with your partner are going to lead to better sex. I’m not saying don’t ever argue with them because arguments do need to happen but when you argue, don’t blame each other. Don’t flat out say “you ignore me” or “if you didn’t work as much” or “if only you helped clean up the house more, i’m so fucking tired.” The constant blaming is going to shut them down. COMPLETELY shut them down. And if you want to talk about libido killers, accusations are definitely libido killers. Use I statements. “I feel so tired at the end of the day because this is my to-do list, so how can we together help mitigate that?” You have to stimulate their curiosity, stimulate their creative side of their brain. I going semi-stereotypical here, but men are problem solvers. So give them something to solve. “Hey this is the shit that needs to get done in order for us to have fantastic sex, in order for my brain to get where it needs to be… this shit needs to get done. How can we tackle all of this so great sex can happen?”
At the very end here… figure out what your love language is. If you don’t know anything about love languages, there is a book called The Five Love Languages. Read it. There’s a survey at the end so that you can figure out what yours is. It is key so that you don’t feel left out and you can communicate your love to each other in a way that you both understand. We all understand, receive, and accept love in different ways. Figure it out and have that discussion with your partner. It will definitely help you out in the long run.
We as human beings, unknowingly use sex in some way shape or form. We either us it as a confirmation of love or we use it as an escape from reality. We use it as validation that we’re worth something, validation that we’re beautiful. Or it’s just a primal need that all humans do it to procreate. There are various other reasons for us to use sex. Figure out what yours is. It could vary from day to day. Figure it out and see if that sits right with you. See if it sits right between yourself and your partner. Communication is key. Open open open honest communication. Once you figure that out, how you use it, how he uses it, you guys can compromise somewhere in the middle. Or you can just schedule it all out so it all works. It can be FANTASTIC.
As you work on each of these four main groups, you will see and feel how your connection with you partner is getting better and better. And you will see how your sex life and each session itself is going to continue to get better and better.
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