GAILs: What they are and how to deal with them


This is a transcript from a FB Live video:

Hello hello hello everyone. It is Wednesday, that time again. So, you know, the last video I did... yesterday.... day before yesterday... one of you guys commented on my wonderful collar here. Today I felt like going dangly so it's the yin yang symbol. Forgive me as I turn down my music here, it can be quite distracting (at least for me anyway... ADD kicks in).

Today we are talking GAILs, what they are, examples of them, how to deal with them, and what the crap do they have to do with sex and intimacy and all of that nonsense. What is all of this therapy... well maybe not therapy, but what is all of this life coach crap have to do with stuff that goes on inside the bedroom.

Well, with GAILs, these are things that are going to block you or stop you. They're the speed bumps in the road of life. We are going to work backwards here from the easiest to deal with to the hardest to deal with. All of which can be dealt with. All of which can be altered and reframed to help you in the end. It's not like any of this is impossible to break through because it's not. It all depends on how much effort you put into it.

So first we're going to start with the L (remember backwards...). Sorry for all of those people named Gail... this might ruin it for you... sorry... We are starting with Limiting Beliefs. A limiting beliefs are some things you accept about life, yourself, the world, the people that limits you in some way. An example (instead of the life coaching examples, I'm going to use the examples that are specific to us and to the bedroom) being:

"In order to get married you gotta be a good girl"

"Good girls don't sleep around"

"Sex is dirty"

"Women are only for making babies"

"Women can't orgasm" (This is a LIE. All women have the ability to, you just have to figure out how)

"Sex dies when you get married or have kids"

So these are beliefs that society or family members have put into our heads and we've accepted them as fact.

The kinky example: "You don't do that stuff with someone you love and respect"

How to deal with all of this. You ask yourself "How true is that belief, really?" Is it something that society put into your head? Is it something that a parent put into your head? Or something that is in movies and TV shows that you just picked up on? How true is it for YOU really?

All we are really doing is just challenging the idea. Identifying, where did you get that idea from in the first place? Was it from family, media, TV, movies? How has that belief affected you? So has anything happened in the past that coincides with this belief or have you let this belief create the rules which you live by? How can you let that belief go? How can you reframe that belief so that it's more true to you, personally? And then, once you figure out a ball park type of plan or thought process, how can you put that into action today? Tomorrow? Not next month, this week. How can you change that thought process this week?

Next we are up to the I: Interpretations. These are opinions or judgements that you can create about an event, situation, person, or experience and believe to be true. So basically it's the story that you're telling yourself about whatever situation. We've all seen those pictures where it's a picture of an animal and you look at it one way, it's a rabbit and then you look at it another way and it's a duck. Another one is that picture of a person where one way it's an old woman and the other way it's a young woman. Those are the overly used life coaching examples. Those are interpretations, with everything that's going on in your mind, everything that you've been raised to believe, that's how you perceived that image. This is how you perceived that situation. This is the story that you're telling yourself about a certain situation or person.

Examples:

"He's always on his phone so that he can avoid me" Is that really what it is? Seriously? Are you sure that that is his reason behind always being on his phone? He couldn't have just lost track of time?

"I got all done up and I got all fancy with the makeup and the hair, and I put on the lingerie. I walk into the room, he gave me a quick glance and was like 'what are you doing? what are you doing that for?'" And so you took that to believe 'well fuck, I'm just not hot anymore so I lost it. Whatever it is that I had, whatever spark that was between us is gone.' Again... how true is that really?

"I tell myself that I'm lazy, because I've been sitting on the couch (I know I use the couch thing a lot... it's a wonderful place) I'm lazy, I sit on the couch all day. That must mean I'm lazy. That must mean I'm a terrible person." Think about it. Why are you telling yourself this story of you're such a horrible person. What were you doing on your phone on the couch? Were you networking on your phone? Were you grocery shopping or looking up coupons so that you're saving your family some money? Were you just relaxing because kids won't shut up. It's not because you're lazy, that's the story you're telling yourself.

Husband comes home from work or whatever and he's angry. So then the first thought that pops into your head is "Well shit. What did I do? What did I do wrong that made his angry? What did I do, seriously, that made him so pissed off. I don't think I did anything but he's angry so he must be angry at me."

So the way to combat this, is to look at the situation and actually think "well what is another way or another reason that this happened?" What is another way to look at this. So the example that 'I've gotten all done up and he didn't notice or he asked me what am I doing.' Another way to look at it is, he was totally not expecting this so the first thought that popped into his head and out his mouth was "wait, what are you doing?" Or he's planning ahead and "babe, what are you doing?" but in his mind he's thinking that we're going out to dinner in an hr what are you doing. Again, it's not what you're thinking, it's what really actually happened.

Another way to combat this is to think 'what would (whomever) say about this?' What would Oprah have done? What would Dr Ruth have said? What would your friend have said? Or if you're watching this and maybe one of my friends, what would I have said? What would I have told you about that situation?

Next would be, what would someone with the complete opposite point of view from you have said about that? And then last but not least, something we've all heard before. Well if you had to walk a mile in their shoes... Seriously though, if you were in their shoes, if you were in their situation with everything else that was going on, what would you have done? What would you have done if all of these same things were done to you.. for you.. happened around you? You are challenging those thoughts and you are getting past your own story.

NEEEEXT, we have A: Assumptions. HA what happens when you assume? You make an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'.... that's right... I just made that joke. Assumptions, the way I'm defining assumptions here are expectations that because something has happened in the past, that they're going to happen again. So it's already happened, and it sounds like "Well, in MY experience..."

"I had an ex who ignored me soo... that's just how all men act" Really.... really.....

This one is personal for me... took me a while to get over. My ex once told me, after doing the thing, he told me "oh... I've had better." So from then on, what do you think I assumed? "omg I'm awful. What the hell did I do wrong? He must have had better. H