This is a transcript from a FB Live video:
Hello hello hello everyone. It is Wednesday, that time again. So, you know, the last video I did... yesterday.... day before yesterday... one of you guys commented on my wonderful collar here. Today I felt like going dangly so it's the yin yang symbol. Forgive me as I turn down my music here, it can be quite distracting (at least for me anyway... ADD kicks in).
Today we are talking GAILs, what they are, examples of them, how to deal with them, and what the crap do they have to do with sex and intimacy and all of that nonsense. What is all of this therapy... well maybe not therapy, but what is all of this life coach crap have to do with stuff that goes on inside the bedroom.
Well, with GAILs, these are things that are going to block you or stop you. They're the speed bumps in the road of life. We are going to work backwards here from the easiest to deal with to the hardest to deal with. All of which can be dealt with. All of which can be altered and reframed to help you in the end. It's not like any of this is impossible to break through because it's not. It all depends on how much effort you put into it.
So first we're going to start with the L (remember backwards...). Sorry for all of those people named Gail... this might ruin it for you... sorry... We are starting with Limiting Beliefs. A limiting beliefs are some things you accept about life, yourself, the world, the people that limits you in some way. An example (instead of the life coaching examples, I'm going to use the examples that are specific to us and to the bedroom) being:
"In order to get married you gotta be a good girl"
"Good girls don't sleep around"
"Sex is dirty"
"Women are only for making babies"
"Women can't orgasm" (This is a LIE. All women have the ability to, you just have to figure out how)
"Sex dies when you get married or have kids"
So these are beliefs that society or family members have put into our heads and we've accepted them as fact.
The kinky example: "You don't do that stuff with someone you love and respect"
How to deal with all of this. You ask yourself "How true is that belief, really?" Is it something that society put into your head? Is it something that a parent put into your head? Or something that is in movies and TV shows that you just picked up on? How true is it for YOU really?
All we are really doing is just challenging the idea. Identifying, where did you get that idea from in the first place? Was it from family, media, TV, movies? How has that belief affected you? So has anything happened in the past that coincides with this belief or have you let this belief create the rules which you live by? How can you let that belief go? How can you reframe that belief so that it's more true to you, personally? And then, once you figure out a ball park type of plan or thought process, how can you put that into action today? Tomorrow? Not next month, this week. How can you change that thought process this week?
Next we are up to the I: Interpretations. These are opinions or judgements that you can create about an event, situation, person, or experience and believe to be true. So basically it's the story that you're telling yourself about whatever situation. We've all seen those pictures where it's a picture of an animal and you look at it one way, it's a rabbit and then you look at it another way and it's a duck. Another one is that picture of a person where one way it's an old woman and the other way it's a young woman. Those are the overly used life coaching examples. Those are interpretations, with everything that's going on in your mind, everything that you've been raised to believe, that's how you perceived that image. This is how you perceived that situation. This is the story that you're telling yourself about a certain situation or person.
"He's always on his phone so that he can avoid me" Is that really what it is? Seriously? Are you sure that that is his reason behind always being on his phone? He couldn't have just lost track of time?
"I got all done up and I got all fancy with the makeup and the hair, and I put on the lingerie. I walk into the room, he gave me a quick glance and was like 'what are you doing? what are you doing that for?'" And so you took that to believe 'well fuck, I'm just not hot anymore so I lost it. Whatever it is that I had, whatever spark that was between us is gone.' Again... how true is that really?
"I tell myself that I'm lazy, because I've been sitting on the couch (I know I use the couch thing a lot... it's a wonderful place) I'm lazy, I sit on the couch all day. That must mean I'm lazy. That must mean I'm a terrible person." Think about it. Why are you telling yourself this story of you're such a horrible person. What were you doing on your phone on the couch? Were you networking on your phone? Were you grocery shopping or looking up coupons so that you're saving your family some money? Were you just relaxing because kids won't shut up. It's not because you're lazy, that's the story you're telling yourself.
Husband comes home from work or whatever and he's angry. So then the first thought that pops into your head is "Well shit. What did I do? What did I do wrong that made his angry? What did I do, seriously, that made him so pissed off. I don't think I did anything but he's angry so he must be angry at me."
So the way to combat this, is to look at the situation and actually think "well what is another way or another reason that this happened?" What is another way to look at this. So the example that 'I've gotten all done up and he didn't notice or he asked me what am I doing.' Another way to look at it is, he was totally not expecting this so the first thought that popped into his head and out his mouth was "wait, what are you doing?" Or he's planning ahead and "babe, what are you doing?" but in his mind he's thinking that we're going out to dinner in an hr what are you doing. Again, it's not what you're thinking, it's what really actually happened.
Another way to combat this is to think 'what would (whomever) say about this?' What would Oprah have done? What would Dr Ruth have said? What would your friend have said? Or if you're watching this and maybe one of my friends, what would I have said? What would I have told you about that situation?
Next would be, what would someone with the complete opposite point of view from you have said about that? And then last but not least, something we've all heard before. Well if you had to walk a mile in their shoes... Seriously though, if you were in their shoes, if you were in their situation with everything else that was going on, what would you have done? What would you have done if all of these same things were done to you.. for you.. happened around you? You are challenging those thoughts and you are getting past your own story.
NEEEEXT, we have A: Assumptions. HA what happens when you assume? You make an 'ass' of 'u' and 'me'.... that's right... I just made that joke. Assumptions, the way I'm defining assumptions here are expectations that because something has happened in the past, that they're going to happen again. So it's already happened, and it sounds like "Well, in MY experience..."
"I had an ex who ignored me soo... that's just how all men act" Really.... really.....
This one is personal for me... took me a while to get over. My ex once told me, after doing the thing, he told me "oh... I've had better." So from then on, what do you think I assumed? "omg I'm awful. What the hell did I do wrong? He must have had better. How am I going to improve? I'm never going to get better. Well I guess I'm never doing that shit again. "
That's it right there, "I guess I'm never doing that again." That's what gets people in general. Something didn't work, the first time, so I'm not going to do it again. "I tried initiating sex and it didn't work. Well I guess I'm never going to initiate again. I'll wait until he comes to me."
Or "I touched it. I touched his penis and for some reason it didn't get hard. I dunno... there must be something wrong about me and it's gonna happen again. I'm not going to bother next time because it already happened once, so I know it's going to happen again."
Same question to combat this. Really?! Just because it happened one time, just because that ONE TIME it didn't go your way, it didn't go the way that YOU perfectly pictured in your head movies, that you're never going to do it again. So here the key is, do not let your past control and dictate your future. Don't do it. Don't let it happen. Now, you can let your past influence your future; let your past, influence the choices that you make but don't let it control it.
Another question to combat assumptions would be "What have you learned the last time that said thing happened?" This is growing. This is how we become people. This is how we become a functioning member a relationship. "What did I learn?" What you learn could be that you need to get better at something. What's the harm in that? What's the harm in education yourself. What's the harm in looking up some websites or some book and reading and learning? Learning in FUN; especially when it comes to sex! Great times!
Last but not least (for assumptions) because it has happened in the past, why MUST it happen again? So for initiating, just because you tried to initiate yesterday and it didn't work, why must is not work today? Seriously, think about it. There are so many factors that go into... everything, that you don't even know about. Yesterday you tried to initiate and it failed, it was most likely not you. Most likely it's something that's going on in their lives, something that's going on in their head that is mentally blocking them from the physical triggers that are happening. And so you really have to question, why is it going to happen again. It's not like you're trying the same exact thing in the same exact controlled environment where you would expect the results to be the same. Because it's not. There are too many variables for every situation that no two situations are going to be exactly the same. So, keep trying. Practice practice practice. Practice makes... I don't wanna say perfect... well it can be perfect, for you but practice makes damn good sex. Practice!
Finally, last but not least... Gremlins. Gremlins are the tough one. Gremlins have been with us since we were kids. Gremlins have been with us since we were teenagers. Gremlins are your inner critic. They are that voice in your head that says "You're not good enough." It sucks... and those gremlins typically make us cry. Sure as shit, it made me cry. Even learning this stuff in school, every class I went to, I brought tissues because I knew I was gonna cry. I was that person.
Gremlins suck but once you are able to transform them into an advocate for your future goals, it's a phenomenal transformation. It really is. And I enjoy working with gremlins (by the way), for one on one coaching. Please, if you have a voice in your head that's telling you "you're not good enough"... let's talk. We'll get through some sessions to get past them. Gremlins are hard to deal with on your own because you can easily succumb to the message that they are providing. Anyway...
The Inner Critic that says something along the lines of you're not good enough. You're not sexy enough. You're not smart enough. You're not lovable. You are not _______ (insert adjective here). In some way, form, or fashion you're not _____.
Gremlins are actually there to protect you. This is where we go kinda therapy-ish... and you take a quick glance at the past. So when did this voice first pop up for you? It was most likely protecting you from an event that happened that either embarrassed you or an event that hurt you or something along those lines; some negative emotion. And that voice in your head is gonna be like *tap tap* "Hey, guess what? I'm here... I'm here for you. I'm gonna make sure that we're never in this situation again." So the next time that we're even close to being in that situation again, that voice is going to be like "ah-uh hey, you better stop right here. Remember what happened last time? Remember when you weren't smart enough and you got the answer wrong in class and everyone laughed at you? Right? Don't raise your hand... don't do it again." That's where it all started. Then you take that, in a young persons mind, and you translate that into adult situations where those same fears and situations and those same outcomes, they don't matter anymore. If you look at it objectively, they don't matter anymore. So why is it still stopping you?
The best way to deal with gremlins.... first of all, they are separate entities from yourself. They really are. They typically pop up when you are about to do something amazing, when you're about to do something smart, sexy, fun, whatever... Right before you do something amazing, they are going to show up and pump the brakes. They are trying to prevent you from whatever negative emotion that happened in the past. If you can take that voice... give it a name. Separate it from yourself. Because it's not truly you, it's some part of your consciousness that's trying to protect the real you, so give it a name. Make sure it's not a name of someone you already know, if you do that then you're going to start crossing memory brain wires with your gremlin.... that will create other actual therapy issues. In my case, I actually named mine after Ursula from The Little Mermaid. So cartoon characters are fine... but not after a real person that you know and regularly deal with. Give it a name this way whenever it pops up "you know what? Ursula... shut up. I know what you're trying to do... shut up. Go away." See how this works for a while.
If you gave it a name and made it a separate entity from you, and you can't talk it down. Maybe you can physically create it. And you can do whatever with that creation. You can mount it up somewhere and be like *evil glare* "I know you're trying to trick me." You can physically see it there... OR you can take that gremlin that you created and put all of that negative energy into that thing, take it outside and set it on fire. Burning things like that can be so therapeutic and so cleansing. Give it a shot, besides... everything is better with fire.
If it's still an issue after that, this is where I can work with people personally over the phone. You give that gremlin a new job, a new message. Typically what I would do is, I would guide people through a meditation of sorts, a guided imagery meditation, where they would come face to face with their gremlin. They would talk to it. We would talk about what the message is right now. What is it that it's trying to protect you from. "Thank you. Your job is done. Those problems are no longer issues to me anymore. Now I am going take control. I'm going to give you a new job. This is how I need you to help me. This is how I need you to be a cheerleader for me. We are going to go through this journey together and you're going to support me." So it's transforming that gremlin into an advocate. Transforming it into your personal cheerleader, in your brain, in your mind, in your head movies. Hearing that is awesome. And even reaching for that when you're in a hard situation, where it's talking to you and you're like "you know what? I just need you to help me right now. I need you to support me right now. I need to get psyched." It can help with that.
Those are the GAILs. To go over it again real quick:
Limiting Beliefs: Something that you accept about life, yourself, world, whatever that limits you in some way, typically the society messages, the over arching populous messages
Interpretations: That's the story that you're telling yourself about a situation. Opinion/judgement that you create about an event/person/experience that you believe to be true but it isn't the Truth. It's just the story that you tell yourself
Assumptions: Expectations that something has happened in the past so it HAS to happen in the future
Gremlins: That's the inner critic that says "you're not good enough" you're not ____ enough
Hopefully you can get past them or at least recognize them as road blocks. Recognize them when they come up and now you know the steps or at least the questions you need to ask yourself to challenge those thoughts and beliefs so that you can move on. You can choose a better path for yourself and not be ruled by these road blocks.
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