This week I have counted down 5 things that alternative lifestyle relationships do that should be a part of every romantic relationship. Welcome to Day 5: Meta-Talks.
This is the MOST IMPORTANT part of ANY relationship out there. I cannot stress how important these are. And yet, these rarely happen in any relationship. No one taught us this stuff growing up.
So what is a Meta-Talk? These are talks that happen outside of your relationship; person to person. Take off your wife/husband hat and talk like people that are not in a relationship. These talks should happen WITHOUT consequences. This is the safe space to vent your frustrations (in a calm manner) without personally attacking the other person. This is where ‘I statements” come in handy. “I feel ____ when this happens. So how can we alleviate this in the future?”
This is where changes in limits, power dynamics, exploration, etc can be discussed. Leave your assumptions and accusations at the door. Both parties are EQUAL during a meta-talk. This is not the time to have a full blown argument. This is a time where issues can be discussed in a civil manner; more like “What happened in is the past, how can we move forward?”
The reason you take off your wife/husband hat is so that you don’t have to feel guilty. I’m a recovering people pleaser and trust me, I understand. I have put my needs so far in the back to the point where I lost myself. I felt guilty for taking some time for myself. I felt guilty and asked for permission to go get a massage (not because that’s how our dynamic worked but that’s how guilty I felt).
Once we started having these talks, my husband stressed the need for me to be selfish sometimes. He stated his support for me being an actual person. It made me realize that I was the one that was holding myself back. I made these imaginary rules for myself on how I “should act” as a mom or wife. These talks put the real expectations on the table and lifted a HUGE burden.
Schedule a time with your spouse to have a meta-talk. Strip the roles off and have a person to person talk.
Then join us in our FB group to tell us how it went. See you there!