The house no longer feels empty. I have found my confidence again that I don’t fear being alone anymore. He stood by me and helped raise me up. Helped me find that person that I thought I had lost forever...
This was my first thought when I laid down in bed the first night my husband was gone for training. We were both in the military and have dealt with deployments before. Each deployment was short though and I was working full time. My time was filled with work, dogs, and sleep. Now I'm a stay-at-home, working on starting a business, with a toddler and two stir-crazy dogs.
I had always been full of confidence growing up. School, Army, work never hindered my confidence but may in fact have helped boost it. Once I became a stay-at-home, my personality started to break down. I began to lose my sense of who. Cleaning and organizing the house became my new job. Mothering became my second job. Not just mothering our child but mothering anyone who actually came to our house. My mother actually noticed it when she came for a visit one day. I was serving homemade shortbread and drinks when she just looked at me and asked, "Since when did you become so domesticated?"
I didn't take it to mean anything negative. It was just not a part of who I was before. All of a sudden, I was this stereotypical, Pinterest scrolling, house decoration obsessed wife. It was a little bit of a wake up call. However I felt that I couldn't do anything at that time because I didn't want to go through a whole life change while my husband was going through his. He was getting his MBA at the time as well as working a full time job. I promised him that I was going to support him (emotionally) through that rough two years.
During that time though, on the weekends that he left for school, the house felt so empty. Even though there was a baby in the room, even though there were dogs running around. There was this sense of unease that went with me no matter what room I went in. I had never felt this during any other period in my life. Back then I even enjoyed my independence. Thinking back now, it felt more like isolation.
This is where open communication is key in relationships. After a loooot of conversations, my husband was there to support me. He always was there for support but I didn't think that I needed any. He told me to figure out what I wanted and what I needed from him.
Now it was my turn to go to school. It was my turn to find that person who I used to be; to find that person that he fell in love with. Now that I am getting back to that person, the house no longer feels empty. I'm more at peace with myself. That confidence is back. No longer do I fear the judgement of others. No longer do I actually judge myself. It's the most amazing feeling and I hope to help others feel the same way.